Simple, transparent pricing
All plans include unlimited 418 errors. No hidden fees.
No hidden coffee.
Darjeeling Starter
Perfect for developers who are just beginning their journey into enterprise-grade coffee refusal.
- Up to 100 brew attempts/month (all fail)
- Standard 418 responses
- Access to RFC 2324 documentation
- Community tea recommendations
- 1 teapot region
- Sub-second refusal SLA
- Custom 418 error messages
- Earl AI Sommelier access
- Enterprise teapot compliance report
- 24/7 tea support
Earl Grey Pro
For teams serious about their 418 infrastructure. Includes AI-powered tea consultations and priority refusals.
- Unlimited brew attempts (all fail)
- Priority 418 responses (<5ms)
- Custom 418 error messages
- Earl AI Sommelier (100 consultations/mo)
- 5 teapot regions
- Detailed refusal analytics dashboard
- Webhook on brew attempt (always 418)
- Enterprise teapot compliance report
- Dedicated teapot engineer
- SLA: 99.99% uptime on refusing
Enterprise Chamomile
For Fortune 500 companies who need their coffee requests refused at truly massive scale. Call us. We will talk about tea.
- Unlimited everything (still won't brew coffee)
- Sub-millisecond 418 response globally
- Unlimited Earl AI Sommelier
- 47 teapot edge regions
- Custom teapot branding
- Enterprise teapot compliance report
- Dedicated teapot engineer (named Gerald)
- SLA: 99.999% uptime on refusing
- Quarterly tea tasting for your exec team
- Will brew coffee
Frequently Asked Questions
Can any plan brew coffee?
No. This is a teapot. Please read RFC 2324. We will wait.
What happens if I try really hard to brew coffee?
You will receive a 418 error. Faster on paid plans. The error message will be slightly more apologetic at the Enterprise tier.
Who is Gerald?
Gerald is our dedicated Enterprise teapot engineer. He has been steeping for 15 years. He has opinions about Darjeeling that would take three hours to explain. He is very enthusiastic. We worry about Gerald sometimes.
What is the refund policy?
Full refunds available within 30 days, no questions asked. We will, however, send you a curated tea starter kit with your refund as a parting gift. You cannot opt out of this.
Is TeaPot.cloud GDPR compliant?
We store absolutely no data about you. We barely store data about ourselves. We are a teapot. The GDPR does not cover teapots.
Can I brew tea?
Yes! Finally, the right question. All tiers support unlimited tea brewing. This is the only thing we support. We are very good at it.